3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
