Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
