hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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