I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
