Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Even my vagina gasped.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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