So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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