to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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