I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
