why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
