I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
