ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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