i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
