I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
