i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
