I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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