Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
