How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
