I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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