Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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