His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dignity is for republicans.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
