The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm too high and old for this...
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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