I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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