your thong is hanging out like whoa
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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