Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
