I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
