Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
