We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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