Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
