if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
