I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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