When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
