ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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