You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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