Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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