She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
