I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
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