barbara walters just said penis...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
