He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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