I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
