I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
