my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
