we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
