so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.