Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
