My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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