Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
