And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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