can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
