the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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