How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
