Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
