in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
