my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
