I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
