Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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