i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
