im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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