I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
