Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
